It was just like any other house in the neighborhood but for the couple that lived in it. At least twice a month, the kids in the neighborhood and many adults too, would gather round this house peeping through the windows in order to catch a glimpse of the action. The motion was predictable. The couple would get into an argument and a fight would result. Then the man rants loudly making threats like ‘‘I will kill you’, ‘useless woman’, ‘just let me get up and see’. However, every single time, it was the woman that gave the man a beating. She would beat him and then sit on him until the neighbors would beg her to let him go.
That was a long time ago according to my grandmother in rural Nigeria. This is also a very unusual story as most times it is the woman that is at the receiving end of intimate partner and sexual violence.
The question though is why would two people who love each other engage in such an animalistic act?
The frontal lobe of the human brain is responsible for intellectual reasoning and civility. It is also thought to have evolved from the more rudimentary (reptilian brain) when we evolved. However, we still have both brains.
On a good day, we use the frontal lobe (“the higher/human brain”) to reason and dialogue like matured responsible people. On a bad day, in the face of fear or anger, our rudimentary/reptilian brain takes over (basically hijacks our higher brain) and we act honestly like lower animals. This is when we do things we would normally not do.
How do we make sure our reptilian brain never takes over from our human brain? Well, when confronted with fear, stress or anger, – PAUSE.
Do not talk, do not reply that annoying email or text message- just count till two hundred or wait for an hour or a day if possible. This allows your cerebral lobe to take over again and your response will be better articulated and delivered.
Do not allow your rudimentary brain to rule over you. Always work with your cerebral lobe. Take a walk, leave the house, drive off. If you do these things, you will always be in control.
To women who are victims of violence (and men too!) use your cerebral lobe. If a man beats you once he is likely to be one governed by the brain of a reptile, he is lower than you and he lacks control.
Plan an exit from that relationship and if you can’t do that immediately, HAVE A BAG PACKED READY with clothes and money to aid an easy escape.
According to the World Health Organization, violence against women – particularly intimate partner violence and sexual violence – are major public health problems and violations of women’s human rights. You ought to report to the police and leave the relationship. You have one life, GUARD it well.
